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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.